Universal Car Wanker Index

I drive a lot. In my time on the road, it is often easy to make rules of thumb, stereotyping car brand for driver personality. For example, all BMW and Audi drivers are wankers. Now, you may accuse me of flagrant automobile racism, however I can back up my capricious pseudo-scientific claims with a straw poll painstaking research.

Behold a graph that I totally didn’t influence:

It clearly shows that BMW drivers are the most repugnant dickheads (or more accurately wankers), closely followed by Audi drivers ,who are in the end, just ‘wannabe beamers’ as an esteemed colleague once said. These two are the ying and yang of twat and arsehole. These are the drivers who will tailgate you for doing the speed limit, they will honk at you for not speeding, they will pull off dangerous manoeuvres to overtake. They are powerful cars but they have their weaknesses. During snowmeggedon, I witnessed a BMW driver doing donuts in a car park. I thought he was getting his kicks but once he lasted 3 minutes and was stationary in between, I realised that the rear wheel drive system is piss-poor for these situations. I almost offered to help, almost. Anecdotally, Audis also seem to be unreliable.

4 x 4 drivers also seem to believe themselves invincible – presumably due to their height off the ground, as though they’re regally sitting on a throne, giving them divine rights to command the road, to do the driver’s bidding. Inevitably, it’s a middle aged woman giving you road rage for not bowing down. Why do you need a modern Jeep to pick up the kids after school or go to work? Enjoy your poor fuel economy too.

Thankfully, some white van men are hampered by speed limiters, presumably due to their cantankerous nature. Was this the only way they could get company car insurance? Unfortunately, the others are not and drive like mad men. No, not the hit TV show but like lunatics. They take risks, speed, tailgate, you name it, they’ll do it. I had the displeasure of meeting one myself, when our vehicles embraced intimately on the road. Fortunately, he drew a diagram incriminating himself.

Expect to see this piece verbatim, in a peer reviewed journal soon.

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